Friday, 17 June 2011

Final ep of The Shadow Line

Wow! What a close to the series! It had everything! Long-winded exposition and explanation, completely nonsensical motives and a General Commissioner saluting a baby, for crissakes!! Who could ask for more?

But what really capped it off, what really puts this in the Hall Of Fame of British Drama is that immortal line that Gabriel says on the boat - the big reveal - the tagline, hook and sounbite we'd all been waiting to hear...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about pensions?"

Classic. Stop press. Welles, you're sacked. Mamet, you're fired. Sorkin, go home. This is what it's all about... Pensions! No, you didn't mishear. Pensions. Then he blows his face off.

The only line better than than that line would be:

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about filling out self-assessment tax returns?"

Closely followed by...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about better trained doctors and nurses for the NHS?"

Followed by...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about international stamp collecting?"

I believe that's what the hotly anticipated second series is gonna be about. Approx 78 people get killed fighting over a Diana memorial stamp.

Just for those of you who didn't manage to catch the last in the series, fear not, I have put together a little picture montage and soundtrack basically summing up the entire series...... enjoy!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Dwarf Vadar - Episode 1

Hey there peeps! The first episode of the hit webcom series Dwarf Vadar is out now! It's been given feature recommendations on Hecklerspray already, garnered 5 stars and has notched up a whopping 10,000 hits so far!! Have a little watch for some work-break amusement - I am the voice of Darth. The power of Darth compels you!

dinner party and guests

So the guests have finally left. We held a dinner party in their honour while they were here. Everyone was talking politics. I was the doing the man thing of hovering by the kitchen the whole night.

Shoreditch Boy: (Shit)…Hello. Hello guests.

Guest: Oh Dave, we’re discussing who the most decent British politicians are. We’ve had Ken Clarke, Min Campbell, Vince Cable, who would you go for?

Now, I knew this one, I knew this one! My all time favourite if I had to choose would be Tony Benn, think he’s a legend. Except it came out as Nigel Benn. I said Nigel Benn. 

Just to clarify - Tony Benn MP

Came out as...Nigel Benn

That's...Tony Benn

Nigel Benn

“Oh yeah, coz that's me, I’d have Nigel Benn as Prime Minister, Chris Eubank as Chancellor of the Exchequor, Barry McGuigan as Foreign Secretary and Frank Bruno as Deputy Prime Minister, it’s a bit of a non-job anyway that one.” 

That was it, after a comment like that I basically had to go and stand in the corner for the rest of the night…with only the kangaroo for company...

until next time folks....

Friday, 3 June 2011

kangaroos and house-guests

For got to say, recently did some gigs down under in Australia. Bit of a culture shock down there. I say, culture, bit of a shock. 

But it was fun, while I was down there I went on a Bush tour to see the outback and the park ranger told me something I’ll never forget. He said, "Oh Kangaroo over there in the distance as you can see, now they can be quite dangerous in the wild, but you should be alright as long as you don’t put it in a corner, you should be fine."

Interesting, coz firstly there aren’t any corners in the outback, it’s fucking flat. Secondly, why would I want to do that? What would his advice be for coming across a giraffe, "Should be alright with a giraffe, as long as you don’t put it under a table, should be fine."

                                 "Ooh, watch out for that croc, whatever you do don’t try and take it up a ferris wheel, they fucking hate that shit!"

"I once took a marmoset through Duty Free, it damn near chewed my fucking balls off!"

"You would’ve thought waking up a gorilla with a vuvuzela would be a good thing, u-uh, do they not like that."

Don’t put a kangaroo in the corner, I was like, cheers for the advice mate, I’ll be sure to tell my girlfriend not to masturbate with a cactus either.

 Mmmmm, tempting....

Anyway, my girlfriend has invited her mates round to ours to stay for the weekend. Which does wonders for my social phobia. So out comes the special plates and a full bowl of 'guest' jelly babies that I'm not allowed to touch.
A typical conversation before hallowed guests arrive would go something like this:

Shoreditch Boy enters bathroom to wash hands.
Girfriend: Er, I hope you don’t think you’re using that soap. That’s special guest soap.
Shoreditch Boy:  Well where’s the special boyfriend soap?
Girlfriend: I’ve never seen you wash your hands anyway!
Shoreditch Boy: You’ve never seen me wipe my arse but I use toilet paper.

My usual plate

Guest Plate

In fact, I think the only way I’d ever get the royal treatment at mine, would be to dump her and then invite myself over – as a guest, in my own flat. ‘I think you find those jelly babies are mine.’

Thursday, 2 June 2011

"Shutter Island" Review

what on earth was that first blog about. such self-indulgent meaningless twaddle. which reminds me, saw Shutter Island last night. for those who haven't seen it, do! great film. i was only leading you up the garden path when i said twaddle. that really was only referring to my previous blog. i don't mean to be misleading like in the film. if i say i'm not mad then i'm probably really mad, and if i say i'm mad then i'm double-bluffing to be certified sane. so i don't want to say this film is crap when really it isn't, coz then you really will think it's crap. which it isn't. god, it's so complicated!

the crap one is the other film with the same actor and pretty much the same sort of plot called "Inception" - now that really is a piece of shit film - and i actually paid money to see it. best sleep i ever had though. i dreamt that i fell asleep during a piece of shit film, and then when i woke up the piece of shit film had ended. double bonus!

those two films are so similar, i half expected Di Caprio, after having shot his wife who killed their three kids, to casually spin a dreidle on the table as the credits rolled. or a spinning top, whatever gentiles call it. but i woke up at that point so i never did see if he did that. but i dreamt it. within a dream. the original dream was about Top Gun.

for those of you that haven't seen Shutter Island here's a trailer:

oh no, wait, that's a another hollywood movie about a man with an imaginary friend. sorry, it's this one:

shit, wrong one again - but it did have exactly the same musical score, to be fair...

this is the one, promise:

where is my mind? indeed, pixies. although i could've shown any number of films, such as Donnie Darko, Spotless Mind, Vanilla Sky, Memento, Vertigo, Truman Show, Matrix...

and is it me or does Leonardo always look 12 regardless how old he's playing? this is the promo pic for his next movie:

and age isn't really doing anything for his looks. the older he gets, the more pinched his face becomes. i've never seen so many ruffles on a forehead before. it's like his face is slowly moving inwards. the camera never lies, this is a still of his pinched little pug-face from Shutter Island:

this was him in infancy:

now let's just sit back and admire how a real actor goes about his business, with class, intelligence and dignity:

films don't have to be mind-fuck complicated to be good - they just need to have nick 'the god' cage in them!!

hang tough

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

my first blog

so this is my first blog to no-one. my aim is to have no followers and no readers by the end of the year. and then straight to a five figure publishing deal with Random House. but not neccesarily in htat oder (sic).

so this is a blog, eh? i hate it already. but since this is only for my eyes, no point posturing - i simply love it!

this will be a blog for my poetry gigs, with some casual sports and film journalism on the side. the odd jpeg of my cock thrown in for good measure. there will be swearing. oh yes. wait for it... and a hell of a lot of unsavoury comments. let's see one person with no followers/readers (is that what they're called?) get thrown off from blogging. if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, did it fall? the answer is Yes, next question. if a tree falls in the woods and nobody sees it, did it fall? Yes, you heard it. ah, but if a joke is repeated three times in a row does it get funnier - only if i'm the only person reading this, you see it doesn't have to be complicated.

well, tune in next week, for more of the same. you lucky lucky things.