Thursday, 4 August 2011

Low-down London Love Ballads (free for mobile devices!)

the new collection of poems LOW-DOWN LONDON LOVE BALLADS is now available for free - yes, you read it correctly - FOR FREE on Mobipocket for kindle, Palm Pilot, Symbian OS, Mac, Desktop, Sony and apple 1Bookstore. 

So if you have any or all of those then get downloading!! (if you have all of those then you're definitely a shoreditch boy...)

hang tough

LOW-DOWN LONDON LOVE BALLADS (free for mobile devices)


here is the link to the Kindle version! the formatting's a bit wonky on it coz of my massive lovely drawings - but i think it rather brings a certain shabby-chic, very shoreditch boy-like character to it...



Low-down London Love Ballads


hey guys! this should be the link to my new book LOW-DOWN LONDON LOVE BALLADS available to buy in physical or ebook from If not, just type in the title into the Lulu homepage.

hopefully, it'll soon be available to buy on Amazon and Kindle too - and for any eReader such as iPad, apple, sony etc

it has all the greats - Shoreditch Boy, king Neb, the £10 one, Soho Gypsy Rose Seller, the Sensimilia song and much, much more.

get buying for toilets and xmas pressies!! :-)

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

jenkinson's spectacular debut goal for the gunners!

Well, bang on cue, carl "el saviour" jenkinson did the unthinkable, and scored on his debut. yes, even from right back position. Managed to lob the keeper with the outside of his left boot in some sort of roberto carlos swish-slice from left to right. The amount of skill and sheer dexterity that has to go into something like that is nothing short of extra-ordinary. It's just a shame it had to be his own keeper. The cunt.

Tune in next week when I carve Ivan Gazidis a new arsehole...

Friday, 15 July 2011

info and dwarf vadar 2

so the new twitter account is up and running at

so keep up to date with all the gigs and links and what not.

and send all love, hate and bookings emails to  all requests for books and merch can be left there too...

and finally Dwarf Vadar Episode 2 has come out!! 5 stars and 1,800 hits and counting :-) sit back, relax and laugh...

Nowt to do now but read The Sun

Now that NOTW is no-more it's The Sun's for the taking - or the Sun on Sunday - whatever it'll be called. Sometimes The Sun made NOTW look like the Financial Times. But at least with The Sun, I understand even the most complicated news stories in under 40 words. I love the way it’s the only paper where you can get ‘Jordan’s jugs grow of their own accord’ right next to ’12 brutally murdered  children in south lebanon’. The editor’s obviously seen a certain poetry in that. A certain defamiliarisation. ‘Shit, ive never seen 12 dead palestian kids in the light of jordan’s tits before. It lends it new meaning. Lifts a veil on a whole new world.’ They just don’t care do they. It’s like eating and smoking at the same time. 

I imagine they’re fine with that, The Sun journalists. You just don’t do it. Here's a list of other things you simply don't do:

1)  Mixing red and white wine at the table to get rose.

2)  Reading Playboy at a funeral. 

3)  Dressing up to go to MacDonalds. 

4)  Eating cornflakes while on the toilet. 

5)  Taking your first date to the cinema to watch Schindler’s List and then going to Fabric, straight after. (You know, at least break it up with a meal at Nando’s in between).   

But no, not The Sun, straight into Fabric, whistles blaring!

You simply don't do it!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Carl "El Saviour" Jenkinson

Today's blog is dedicated to the saviour of Arsenal Football Club, Mr Carl Jenkinson, the multi-capped international footballer for club and country, and one shining hope for the future of The Defeatables!

In a busy summer transfer window, a whole month in, with only two weeks to go to the Emirates Cup and pre-season games, Wenger has finally fulfilled his promise of opening the kitty-bag and splashing out on the big name players we so desperately need.

Man U have already secured Ashley Young's signature, as well as the most gifted goal-keeper in years David De Gea. Chelsea seem sure to sign Lukaku and Neymar. And Man City will hold on to Tevez while also trying to bring in Snejider and Kaka.

But for the first time, Wenger has seen their hands and raised them - dare I say - gone all in, for British-Finnish ex-Charlton right back, Carl "El Saviour" Jenkinson.

Wenger had to offload Fabregas and Nasri in order to release the funds to bring the right-footed teenager across the river to the Emirates, but the fans and board alike will see this pay dividends straight away.

One fan couldn't believe it when the news finally came through, "I can't believe it", he said.

After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing from agents and both team managers, the intricate contract (compete with incentives, multiple-clauses and bonuses) was drawn up and signed.

"We make the money back on the amount of shirts he'll sell alone", said board member, Ivan Gazidis.

Carl himself was honoured to be part of The Inevitables saying, "I can't wait to have the team built around me, and play alongside such greats as Diaby, Eboue, Denilson, Bendtner, Clichy, Squillaci, Rosicky, Almunia and Arshavin - all of whom, at this point in time, are still under contract for Arsenal and yet to be sold. I just can't wait to make a pass with the ball, and then to run on a bit and receive the pass back again. It's going to be sweet."

Here's to a long list of trophies built on the solid cornerstone of our team - Carl "El Saviour" Jenkinson!

The future's great. The future's Carl.

Messi - the greatest player in the world.

Carl "El Saviour" Jenkinson - what the player looks like in relation to Messi, the greatest player in the world.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Final ep of The Shadow Line

Wow! What a close to the series! It had everything! Long-winded exposition and explanation, completely nonsensical motives and a General Commissioner saluting a baby, for crissakes!! Who could ask for more?

But what really capped it off, what really puts this in the Hall Of Fame of British Drama is that immortal line that Gabriel says on the boat - the big reveal - the tagline, hook and sounbite we'd all been waiting to hear...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about pensions?"

Classic. Stop press. Welles, you're sacked. Mamet, you're fired. Sorkin, go home. This is what it's all about... Pensions! No, you didn't mishear. Pensions. Then he blows his face off.

The only line better than than that line would be:

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about filling out self-assessment tax returns?"

Closely followed by...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about better trained doctors and nurses for the NHS?"

Followed by...

"Do you mean to tell me this whole thing has been about international stamp collecting?"

I believe that's what the hotly anticipated second series is gonna be about. Approx 78 people get killed fighting over a Diana memorial stamp.

Just for those of you who didn't manage to catch the last in the series, fear not, I have put together a little picture montage and soundtrack basically summing up the entire series...... enjoy!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Dwarf Vadar - Episode 1

Hey there peeps! The first episode of the hit webcom series Dwarf Vadar is out now! It's been given feature recommendations on Hecklerspray already, garnered 5 stars and has notched up a whopping 10,000 hits so far!! Have a little watch for some work-break amusement - I am the voice of Darth. The power of Darth compels you!

dinner party and guests

So the guests have finally left. We held a dinner party in their honour while they were here. Everyone was talking politics. I was the doing the man thing of hovering by the kitchen the whole night.

Shoreditch Boy: (Shit)…Hello. Hello guests.

Guest: Oh Dave, we’re discussing who the most decent British politicians are. We’ve had Ken Clarke, Min Campbell, Vince Cable, who would you go for?

Now, I knew this one, I knew this one! My all time favourite if I had to choose would be Tony Benn, think he’s a legend. Except it came out as Nigel Benn. I said Nigel Benn. 

Just to clarify - Tony Benn MP

Came out as...Nigel Benn

That's...Tony Benn

Nigel Benn

“Oh yeah, coz that's me, I’d have Nigel Benn as Prime Minister, Chris Eubank as Chancellor of the Exchequor, Barry McGuigan as Foreign Secretary and Frank Bruno as Deputy Prime Minister, it’s a bit of a non-job anyway that one.” 

That was it, after a comment like that I basically had to go and stand in the corner for the rest of the night…with only the kangaroo for company...

until next time folks....

Friday, 3 June 2011

kangaroos and house-guests

For got to say, recently did some gigs down under in Australia. Bit of a culture shock down there. I say, culture, bit of a shock. 

But it was fun, while I was down there I went on a Bush tour to see the outback and the park ranger told me something I’ll never forget. He said, "Oh Kangaroo over there in the distance as you can see, now they can be quite dangerous in the wild, but you should be alright as long as you don’t put it in a corner, you should be fine."

Interesting, coz firstly there aren’t any corners in the outback, it’s fucking flat. Secondly, why would I want to do that? What would his advice be for coming across a giraffe, "Should be alright with a giraffe, as long as you don’t put it under a table, should be fine."

                                 "Ooh, watch out for that croc, whatever you do don’t try and take it up a ferris wheel, they fucking hate that shit!"

"I once took a marmoset through Duty Free, it damn near chewed my fucking balls off!"

"You would’ve thought waking up a gorilla with a vuvuzela would be a good thing, u-uh, do they not like that."

Don’t put a kangaroo in the corner, I was like, cheers for the advice mate, I’ll be sure to tell my girlfriend not to masturbate with a cactus either.

 Mmmmm, tempting....

Anyway, my girlfriend has invited her mates round to ours to stay for the weekend. Which does wonders for my social phobia. So out comes the special plates and a full bowl of 'guest' jelly babies that I'm not allowed to touch.
A typical conversation before hallowed guests arrive would go something like this:

Shoreditch Boy enters bathroom to wash hands.
Girfriend: Er, I hope you don’t think you’re using that soap. That’s special guest soap.
Shoreditch Boy:  Well where’s the special boyfriend soap?
Girlfriend: I’ve never seen you wash your hands anyway!
Shoreditch Boy: You’ve never seen me wipe my arse but I use toilet paper.

My usual plate

Guest Plate

In fact, I think the only way I’d ever get the royal treatment at mine, would be to dump her and then invite myself over – as a guest, in my own flat. ‘I think you find those jelly babies are mine.’

Thursday, 2 June 2011

"Shutter Island" Review

what on earth was that first blog about. such self-indulgent meaningless twaddle. which reminds me, saw Shutter Island last night. for those who haven't seen it, do! great film. i was only leading you up the garden path when i said twaddle. that really was only referring to my previous blog. i don't mean to be misleading like in the film. if i say i'm not mad then i'm probably really mad, and if i say i'm mad then i'm double-bluffing to be certified sane. so i don't want to say this film is crap when really it isn't, coz then you really will think it's crap. which it isn't. god, it's so complicated!

the crap one is the other film with the same actor and pretty much the same sort of plot called "Inception" - now that really is a piece of shit film - and i actually paid money to see it. best sleep i ever had though. i dreamt that i fell asleep during a piece of shit film, and then when i woke up the piece of shit film had ended. double bonus!

those two films are so similar, i half expected Di Caprio, after having shot his wife who killed their three kids, to casually spin a dreidle on the table as the credits rolled. or a spinning top, whatever gentiles call it. but i woke up at that point so i never did see if he did that. but i dreamt it. within a dream. the original dream was about Top Gun.

for those of you that haven't seen Shutter Island here's a trailer:

oh no, wait, that's a another hollywood movie about a man with an imaginary friend. sorry, it's this one:

shit, wrong one again - but it did have exactly the same musical score, to be fair...

this is the one, promise:

where is my mind? indeed, pixies. although i could've shown any number of films, such as Donnie Darko, Spotless Mind, Vanilla Sky, Memento, Vertigo, Truman Show, Matrix...

and is it me or does Leonardo always look 12 regardless how old he's playing? this is the promo pic for his next movie:

and age isn't really doing anything for his looks. the older he gets, the more pinched his face becomes. i've never seen so many ruffles on a forehead before. it's like his face is slowly moving inwards. the camera never lies, this is a still of his pinched little pug-face from Shutter Island:

this was him in infancy:

now let's just sit back and admire how a real actor goes about his business, with class, intelligence and dignity:

films don't have to be mind-fuck complicated to be good - they just need to have nick 'the god' cage in them!!

hang tough

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

my first blog

so this is my first blog to no-one. my aim is to have no followers and no readers by the end of the year. and then straight to a five figure publishing deal with Random House. but not neccesarily in htat oder (sic).

so this is a blog, eh? i hate it already. but since this is only for my eyes, no point posturing - i simply love it!

this will be a blog for my poetry gigs, with some casual sports and film journalism on the side. the odd jpeg of my cock thrown in for good measure. there will be swearing. oh yes. wait for it... and a hell of a lot of unsavoury comments. let's see one person with no followers/readers (is that what they're called?) get thrown off from blogging. if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, did it fall? the answer is Yes, next question. if a tree falls in the woods and nobody sees it, did it fall? Yes, you heard it. ah, but if a joke is repeated three times in a row does it get funnier - only if i'm the only person reading this, you see it doesn't have to be complicated.

well, tune in next week, for more of the same. you lucky lucky things.